Saturday...Blonde Joke Alert

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!"the defense attorney cried out while jumping to his feet. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again,mopping his sweaty brow.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor turned back to the witness and smugly repeated the question
" SOOOO...Where were you the night of August 24th?"
To which the blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

Wicked Wednesday...Amen Sister

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and sporting a huge smile said,
"I outlived the bitches."

Monday...Groundhog Day

Want more Groundhog Day? Go here and here and here to continue the fun!

Sunday...The Super Bowl

Here are a few handy tips for your Super Bowl Par-tay enjoyment.

Need help predicting the winner? Try this for a new perspective on the game...

WARNING:

THE SITE SHOWN ABOVE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN OR PEOPLE WHO THINK DARK HUMOR ISN'T THERAPEUTIC...

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday!

Friday Funny...

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.



As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,

"Supersex.



She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said,

"Supersex."



He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

"I'll take the soup."

Wicked Wednesday...The Doctor Is In...Again

Saturday...The Divas Guide To Men

Chapter One:



THE UNBIASED AND COMPLETLY TRUTHFUL GUIDE TO WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN...



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon."



"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU."

Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving already."



"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."



"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."