Wicked Wednesday...Thanksgiving Family Memo OR Martha Stewart Ditched Us Again...

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But….
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you this in advance, so don’t act all surprised and shit when you get here.

Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run it was decided that no matter how cleverly done said rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.And there was also that vet bill for burned dog penis ointment.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.And yes,I saw the dog poop by the door I will get to it...soon.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will probably get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit platter and the Batman napkins from little Bobby's last birthday party.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.The first person who stops Great Grandpa from making obscene"Fruit Art" in the cornucopia gets to use the one fancy holiday glass from the grocery store without a chip in it.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. (And after a cocktail or three so will I) Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. And yes I saw the large cat/yak/hairball/god-knows-what-that-bastard-ate pile in the dining room.I will get to it...soon.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement.So when the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Remember,if you touch it poke a hole in it or otherwise engage it with any part of your body it is yours.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

I hope you aren’t too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either,and if you are lucky neither will you.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!