Friday Funny...

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.



As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,

"Supersex.



She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said,

"Supersex."



He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

"I'll take the soup."

Wicked Wednesday...The Doctor Is In...Again

Saturday...The Divas Guide To Men

Chapter One:



THE UNBIASED AND COMPLETLY TRUTHFUL GUIDE TO WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN...



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon."



"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU."

Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving already."



"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."



"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."

Friday...This Could Happen To You

You are on the elevator at work/the mall/etc. when you suddenly realize ...
you need to fart pass gas.

The muzak in the elevator is really loud, so you time your farts gas passing with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your floor.

As you are leaving the elevator, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your iPod.

Wicked Wednesday...If Snowmen Ruled The World

Friday...I'm Back...Did You Miss Me?

A ruggedly handsome biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well. as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand. Put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,two chickens, and a goose How in the world could I possible hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Wicked Wednesday...News From The Front Lines

My life has become a Train Wreck...

Definition:
A train wreck most often occurs as a result of an accident, such as when a train wheel jumps off a track in a derailment, or miscommunication, as when a moving train meets another train on the same track. The term is sometimes used metaphorically to describe a disaster that is foreseeable but unavoidable.

(Amy Whinehouse and Britney Spears.....You are on your own)

I'm taking a week or so off to recover from this disaster that was foreseeable but unavoidable.

I'm fine physically but mentally,well that is another story.

I can tell you it all comes down to one word...Family...And not the family who lives in my home.

This mess has been going on since early November,but I refused to let it ruin our holidays! GAH!

And now my brain needs a rest...Can you relate?