Wicked Wednesday...New Years Eve...Some Warnings If You Plan To Party

Monday...A Mental Exercise In Futility...(A.K.A.) I Needed This Laugh Last Week

USEFUL MATH CONVERSIONS

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Thursday...Christmas Day

Merry Christmas to all my friends near and far...

Wicked Wednesday...Chrismoose Eve

You didn't think I would tempt fate and post something really wicked did you?

No way...After a lot of careful thought (not really) I decided to repost this.It's not wicked but it probably should be banned!

Tuesday...And Now For Something Entirely Different

A poem for you...

If you see a fat man
Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit...
And if he's chuckling and giggling
And laughing all the way
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then people lets face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!

Monday...Tom Presents Our Holiday Home Tour

As a result of everyone in this house recovering from what we are now calling "The Virus That Makes You Glad You Cleaned The Toilet In That Place NOBODY Can See Unless They Are Sitting On The Floor Next To It" our Holiday Home Tour is not as festive as we would have liked. But the show must go on and with Toms help as guest poster it did.

It takes a lot out of a guy to decorate a tree! Santa has to hang just right.

All the ornaments are not hanging on one side...HEY!...Who's doin' this me or you?

What do you do with those tiny pumpkins from Halloween and Thanksgiving? You make Snokinmen that's what!

Pay no attention to that GINORMARAMAS stocking hanging in the background...YES...I have been that good!

Mom loves Gargoyles. Doesn't he look Christmasy?

I helped Mom with this wreath,but without my cuteness it's nothing..HA HA!

One more picture to make you laugh. Thanks for stopping by and Merry Christmas!

Want to see more homes on the tour? Go to Jen's for the list!

Sunday...Posting The Cat Pics So Mrs. G. Doesn't Have To

Friday...Kids Do The Darndest Things

Wicked Wednesday...A Letter To Santa...Round Three

Monday...Another Non-Christmas Joke

The Old Scottish Golfer...

The doctor is amazed at what good shape his patient was in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Da's deid?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive.He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandad's died?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

Saturday...Holiday Tips

Wicked Wednesday...A Letter To Santa...Round Two

Monday...A Non-Christmas Joke

A woman's husband was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he finally came to and motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, "I've had a revelation. You have been with me all through the bad times, and God knows there've been plenty! When I was fired, you were there to support me. When my second business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you stayed with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me!!"

Leave Snarky Remarks On Christmas Cloning Here...

Wicked Wednesday...A Letter To Santa

Monday...Maxine Speaks

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all...OR...Honey,I've lost the turkey

Happy Thanksgiving To All My Bloggy Friends
I Really Am Thankful For You All !

Wicked Wednesday...Thanksgiving Family Memo OR Martha Stewart Ditched Us Again...

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But….
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you this in advance, so don’t act all surprised and shit when you get here.

Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run it was decided that no matter how cleverly done said rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.And there was also that vet bill for burned dog penis ointment.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.And yes,I saw the dog poop by the door I will get to it...soon.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will probably get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit platter and the Batman napkins from little Bobby's last birthday party.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.The first person who stops Great Grandpa from making obscene"Fruit Art" in the cornucopia gets to use the one fancy holiday glass from the grocery store without a chip in it.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. (And after a cocktail or three so will I) Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. And yes I saw the large cat/yak/hairball/god-knows-what-that-bastard-ate pile in the dining room.I will get to it...soon.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement.So when the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Remember,if you touch it poke a hole in it or otherwise engage it with any part of your body it is yours.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

I hope you aren’t too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either,and if you are lucky neither will you.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

Tuesday...Start Your Holiday Planning Early

Thanksgiving Divorce...

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, who has a huge grin on her face and her hand out. "Okay,you win" he says, "they're both coming for Thanksgiving AND paying their own way.That was a hell of a plan..Do you take checks?"

Monday...Everything Old Is New Again...Except For Me

Here's an oldie but a goodie from my Thanksgiving posts last year.

Click here, you know you want to.

P.S. I stole the photo above from Zenmomma last year...Don't rat me out.

Thor's Kitchen 2

Every Saturday should be this fun for all my bloggy friends.So without further ado let's give it up for....THORS KITCHEN! Why no,I haven't been drinking.Why do you ask?

Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

Well reader what do you think?

Wicked Wednesday...The Doctor Will See You Now

Monday...Suze Orman Approves This Message

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.



One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."



Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Saturday...Poor Taste Theater

Poor Taste Theater Presents...



POOR TASTE CLONING QUESTIONS:



Are the pope and his clone both infallible?
What if they disagree about something?



Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?



If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show,wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?



If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?



If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?



If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?



If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV Part II?



If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?



Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?



Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?



Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.



Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?



Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers,create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?

Friday...Those Damn Out Of Towners

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said,

"I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying,

"You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed until he finally regained consciousness.

Refocusing his three eyes, he straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear."

Wicked Wednesday...The Farm Edition

Monday...Dear Diet Diary, Somehow over the weekend

Sunday...The Hulk called ...He wants his hands back

We couldn't decide how to caption this...

The Thinker...You are doin' wrong. OR

Rock,Paper,Scissors gets a mega upgrade. OR

Why are you hitting yourself...BAM

Why are you hitting yourself...POW

Why are you hitting yourself...SMASH

What do you think?

Saturday Sillies...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Yes, pepper."

Friday... Friday Film Flam

I wrote 25-29 .....You fill in number 30!


30 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES...

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red read outs so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

24. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

25. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

26. Prostitutes ALWAYS have a heart of gold.

27. In the end the teens will announce that their parents had been right all along.

28.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

29..People who drive convertibles have the most amazing hair.

30.???????

Wicked Wednesday...Not Very Wicked

Tuesday...Vote

Monday...This Is SOOO Me Today

Run away dear readers reader and save yourself...






Go here for more

Sunday...A Message From The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,''favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

More Friday...Mr. Bones Has Arrived !

Friday...Happy Halloween Y'all !

Thursday...More Lists To Ponder

Top 10 Reasons You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating...

10. You get winded by knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another child chew the candy for you.

8. You request the choice of a high fiber candy only.

7. When the treater drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say "Great Harry Potter mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to choose carefully a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger/Barbie in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/husbands live.

Wicked Wednesday...Halloween Cartoon # 4

Monday...Lets Get This One Outta Da Way Shall We?

The Monastery...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange, beautiful, mystical sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 71,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,"The sound is behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob,and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It was truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.


Wait for it.....

Wait for it...






But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk......MUHAHAHAHA!!

Friday...This Looked Like A Job For Super Government...But It Was Too Easy

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution."Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Wicked Wednesday...Halloween Cartoon # 3

Tuesday...There Are Some People You Just Can't Please

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good, so they tried
"Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried
"Lost Souls and A-holes".

Still no go.
Nor, did
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks",
"Loons and Moons".

They finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Monday...It's Monday Y'all...Wake Up And Drink Up...

Saturday...Halloween 101

Top Twenty Halloween "Lessons" we learned from the Movie's !

20. Never EVER stay overnight in the Funeral Home/Haunted House/Dark Scary Forest on a dare...Why do you think they aren't coming with you?

19.If the car starts itself it's usually a good idea not to get in it.

18. The scantily clad drunk bimbo chick always dies...Stay away from her.

Notice I didn't say blonde...Redheads and brunettes can be bimbos too. *snort*

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. Don't stand next to it and do high fives with your companions. AND if you simply must make out with the person you are with go far far away to do it...The next county would do quite well.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.Now that I think about it don't go in the attic either.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device belonging to deceased companions.

*Update* Cell Phones now considered EVIL.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. Please don't stick your hand in the garbage disposal to see if you can "fix" it.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, ANY small town in Maine,or (if you are a Bentley Little fan ) ANY small town in the desert

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead or Witch Doctors,Really Old Native Americans, Trolls,Genies,Gypsies etc..You get my drift.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell...We all know where that gets you.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.And never under any circumstance dance on anyones grave.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. This goes double for Ouija Boards...Unless it belonged to Granny and she is trying to tell you where she hid/buried the money/will/Grandpa.

I'm just saying is all...

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help...Duh!

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Friday...Mr. Diva Is At It Again...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"


He says, "Yes - just caffeine."


"Have you ever been in the service?"


"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."


He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"


The guy says, "Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."


The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."


The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.No point in you coming in for that."

Wicked Wednesday...Halloween Cartoon # 2

Tuesday...Knowledge is power...Sometimes

TODAY'S RANDOM FACT...

The name "pumpkin" comes from the Greek word

"pepon," meaning a large melon.

I feel smarter already...

Sunday...Mr. Diva Tells A Story...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought hundreds at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.

At this point the man announced that he would now buy at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so limited that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf for him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

The End...

Thursday...A Challenging Recipe...*SNORT*

Since Mrs G. has the Crockpot covered my staff (A.K.A. The Boy) and I will be reviewing the Catpot..Er...Box

CAT POOP COOKIES

There are two flavors: chocolate (dark brown), or gingerbread (light brown).

The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring.

The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necessary so that they will keep their shape during baking.

If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won't look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:

1/2 cup honey

2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract

2 cups whole wheat flour

1/3 cup cocoa powder

grapenuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:

1/4 cup honey

1/4 cup molasses

2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard

1 egg

2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour

Spices:

ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)

grapenuts(tm) cereal

Mix-ins (optional):

Coconut = tapeworms

Chocolate chips = poop chunks!

Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!

Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!

Cooked spaghetti or ramen noodles = roundworms

Corn = self explanatory!

Peanuts = chunks

M&Ms = decoration?

To make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute).

Add the butter, (I've been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any.

Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff.

Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge.

Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops.

Roll logs in grapenuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about 20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop.I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding.

Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters... Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly gross...YUMMY!

Try this at your next Halloween bash...Or not...;p

THIS JUST IN...

THE BOY SAYS "EWWWWWW....THIS IS GREAT!"