Christmas Pics...

We have secretly hidden a small,tired,and somewhat cranky boy in this Chrismess..Can you find him?

My oldest boys (29 and 30 something) got global with the Christmas Greetings.

E-Bay... I heart you...Great deal with lots of games to boot...Mr Claus was proud!

One more joke before Christmas....

Will resume regular posting of misc. crap and B.S. after the holidays...

Thank You,
The Discombobbled Diva

Another Christmas Story...almost

Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theatre: The First Christmas

The Christmas Parrot...

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised her the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

I know it's not really a Christmas joke..But it made me laugh!

The Three Divas...

I'm spending the day with my Mom and Sister. See you tomorrow !

More damn Christmas lists...

The top ten things to say about the "Special" Christmas Gift:

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. And to think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.




And the number one thing to say about the "Special" Christmas gift.....


1. "I really don't deserve this."











P.S. Click on the SNOWMAN...you know you want to!

And now the answers to the Christmas Carol game....

How did you do?


1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

This one's for you mrs. g.

Alas, I don't have photoshop so my paint program had to do..Not too bad eh?




Famous couple spotted at awards ceremony.
Mrs. G. and her handsome companion were spotted last night at the "Best Blogger Evah" Awards. Mrs. G. ,of course, took home ALL of the awards!

And now it's time for...

A fun little game to test your knowledge of Christmas. Come on now and let's play...

Name That Christmas Carol!

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals


The answers will be posted tomorrow. Good Luck !

The holidays just keep on coming....

My job is to decorate for the holidays. The men folk are supposed to clean up afterwards.

This was Halloween/Thanksgiving...and was MUCH fresher.

Now it's come to this.

I've decided to go ahead and finish next years decorating as well.

Behold:

EastaMemorialFourthLaborHallowThanksChristmas.

And the men folk rejoiced.

Household Tips for the holidays...

This sign is above the door to the kitchen.

You are leaving the man cave when you enter this door. I am wondering why the guys don't see this warning? They go in, forage, eat my stuff, litter, and leave. I asked them why they ate this way. They told me it just in their nature. I asked them why they didn't leave my kitchen the way they found it..again with the nature crap.

I added Mistletoe and a not quite right Cuckoo clock to the mix. Maybe a fear of parasitic plants or mad cuckoo birds would make them reconsider and cancel all futher assaults.

So far the warnings have gone unheeded.I guess I'll have to pull out the big guns.

I'm thinking of adding one of these ...

One of my favorite Christmas Recipes.....

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water

1 cup of sugar

4 large brown eggs

2 cups of dried fruit

1 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of brown sugar

Lemon juice

Nuts

1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

My first tag I'm it .....

Hope has tagged me for a cool meme (here) and it has really got me thinking.




I'm gonna be working on this all day.

Click tha baby..Ya know ya wanna!

From The NEA Journal..Circa 1960 (tweaked by ME!)

An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Various Holiday Greetings to All and to All a Good Night

Another oldie....

BARBIE’S HOLIDAY LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new image..It's 2007 for Gods sake!. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 48 years-I think I deserve it. OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

I HAZ NEW FRENS ?

To anyone who has visited my site and actually looked around ;p You may have noticed the map that shows my visitors worldwide. I often wonder how my three readers travel to all those places to post a comment and return home so quickly.Thanks Guys! BUT anyways..you can check and see where your readers are from..so I did. Here are some of them.

To the readers in Beverly Hills:

If you are looking for my Christmas gift, Rodeo Drive sounds like a good place to shop.You have heard of it..yes?

To my other readers in California:

Let the guys from Beverly Hills shop (there are more of them)

To the reader in Australia:

I would love me something with a pouch, which can hold yet another gift..Hoppy Christmas!

To the readers in France and Switzerland:

Wine and chocolate, no explanation necessary.

To my other readers in Europe (UK):

Chip in some Euros toward the wine and chocolate,I really like the good stuff.

To the readers in Japan and China:

Something small and electronic..no mini Godzillas please.

To my other readers in the U.S:

A Walmart gift card(s) will be fine.

Now I hope you know I am writing this in jest..or am I? I really love having readers from all over. I'm sure most of them found me from my comments at other sites.Which makes me appreciate my three (maybe four) constant readers even more.Thanks again and I'll have my Christmas wish list to you a.s.a.p.

On the second day of December...

I admit it......I'm shameless when it comes to Sam and his "Glamour Shots"

Samson sez..."Merry Christmas...And here's an update...ALL the reindeers ain't girls....Booya!"

The Edumacation Nevah Stops....

Reindeer Facts......

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME....

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Now as you read that famous story for the umteenth time,armed with this info,you will still be able to smile..Well with that and a lovely adult beverage..

An oldie,but a goodie...

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1. Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2. Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3. Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4. Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5. Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6. Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7. Debug Windows Vista.

December 10. Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11. Lay Faberge egg.

December 12. Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14. Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15. Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17. Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19. Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20. Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21. Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22. Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23. Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24. Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25. Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26. Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27. Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31. New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.



Happy Holidays!
Martha Stewart

More Wednesday.....

Greetings Peggy --

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 28:

If you're at work or school, expect a few troubles with the boss or teacher. Nothing too serious or worrisome, but the day may stretch on for longer than you would really like. Push through it!

Oh great!.... Being self /employed AND the teacher ......I'm gonna be a pain in my own ass.

That's just plain BS!

I had just finished my regular perimeter patrol of home base (one of many). With three dogs, three cats, four birds and "The Boy" inside this is a necessary part of my day.
All was well in DivaLand so I made myself another cup of joe and sat down to read the Sunday paper. Yes I know it's Wednesday but that's another story. "The Boy" was playing video games and talking to the characters..doesn't everybody?
Suddenly he yelled out.
"MAN..THAT IS JUST PLAIN BS!" What? My precious child using semi-bad language ( Well he did just use the letters).
"TOM! language mister....that's a bad word (sorta)" Of course in a typical male fashion he just nodded and continued playing. But a few minute later..
"OH.. YOU ARE JUST SO BS!"I decided to give his Dad a stern lecture on construction site talk in the home as I went to confront the guilty party.
"Sweetie, didn't Mom just ask you not to say that ?"
Glancing up from the game he looks puzzled.
"No, you said it was a bad word, not I couldn't say it" Damn it! He was right so I took another route.
"Well it means a bad word..er..words and you shouldn't say them. Do you even know what they mean?"
"Sure" he said smiling. Sure? I'm a bad Mom....
"What do they mean?" I asked getting ready for it.
"Bergin Snergin..I made it up from the letter sounds we did the other day...B and S "
Homeschooling...not for the faint of heart.

Holiday Parties......

Company Christmas Party

FROM Peggy A., Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE November 19, 2007
RE Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Peggy
_____________________________________________________________

FROM Peggy A, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE November 20, 2007
RE Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Peggy
_____________________________________________________________
FROM Peggy A, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE November 21, 2007
RE Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?_________________________________________________________________
FROM Peggy A, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE November 22, 2007
RE Holiday Party
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED._
_____________________________________________________________
FROM Peggy A, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE November 23, 2007
RE Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest-rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Peggy
___________________________________________________________

FROM Peggy A, Human Resources Director
TO All F**king Employees
DATE November 26, 2007
RE The F**king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!____________________________________________________________
FROM Andrea G, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE November 27, 2007
RE Peggy A. and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Peggy a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

Cards I couldn't find at Hallmark...

Another funny I found...

A Thanksgiving Poem

Author Unknown

Twas the night of Thanksgiving but I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white. But I fought the temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees. . .

"Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.

May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.

May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

May your Thanksgiving be truly blessed!!"

Happy Thanksgiving !

The Good Ol' Days......

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

I am lazy today...

Nothing interesting to write about today ...So I added a link to the bottom of my blog page ..Go if you dare...LOL. (Don't be scared it's only my Webshots albums)

And some pre-holiday dieting advice.....

No ,this isn't me ..I'm much taller.

My favorite things...Today

Favorite Thing # 1..Things to do

Books..I love'em..I read everything,but I seem to be stuck on supernatural fiction at the moment.

Charlaine Harris and her: Southern Vampire Series and Julie Kenner with her :Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom...

Favorite Thing # 2

Computer Games..Hidden Picture, Mystery,The Sims2,Etc. "The Boy" and I spend a lot of,how shall I say it..Quality time..pondering clues and uncovering

those pesky hidden pics!

Favorite Thing # 3..Television Shows

I think I sense a theme here as Supernatural was my fav T.V. show ( I do like me some Dean and Sam Winchester) but I can't get it anymore except through Netflix. Now I Tivo the new show Cane and My Name Is Earl..Cane because of Jimmy Smits and Earl ...I'm not sure about Earl except I kinda like the karma thing...(my EX- in-laws should be in this show)...ACCKK!

Favorite Thing # 4....Food

This has been a strange week for me, food wise..I've had a hankering for Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches..No I'm not channeling Elvis..He liked his fried in butter...A tall glass of chocolate milk and I'm good to go!

Sorry this is the after picture....OOPS!

Favorite Thing # 4...Movies

I've always been an action flick kinda gal...(Back in the day.. Indiana Jones, Star Wars) A good car chase and shoot'em up and I'm there.Of course I won't pass up any Pirates (that we know) or Hobbits or Wizards. I am so easily entertained..LOL... ( This pics for you mrs.g. :p)

My humble opinion is that life is too short to be stuck with one or two favorite things..Don't get me wrong I have places in my heart that are etched in stone..All I'm saying is try new things everyday and pick up some new "favorites" along the way.....Check back next week...Who knows, maybe a nice Chanti and some Fava beans.. And some Sweeny Todd....Interesting.

Grandmas Thanksgiving Rules

Grandma loves you but here are the rules...

1.Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad?Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?"Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2.If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your butt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to keep your greedy butt home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing your self a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DSS!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET.

Postcards from the fridge...

A young couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and the wife was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"SO? What did they do?" the wife asked.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theatre: The Story of Thanksgiving

This ain't your Grannys Thanksgiving

Todays Horror.. er..I mean Horoscope

November 14, 2007
Personal Guide
Scorpio Daily Horoscope


You may feel mystical and reflective today, as you ponder the deeper meaning of your life. Perhaps you believe that you have a larger purpose, and you could be wondering what your destiny is and how it relates to your life today. To gain a greater sense of insight about these feelings, you might want to spend time in reflection. Asking yourself probing questions can begin this process. You may feel sensations in your body as the answers come to you. You also might want to spend time in meditation today. Empty your mind of all thoughts, and ask your higher self to reveal your life purpose.

Peggy Sez:

There is no deeper meaning to my life today,other than gettin to the bottom of a freaking deep dirty clothes basket. The larger purpose must mean doing the sheets too. Reflection? No thanks, I saw me in the mirror this morning and it wasn't pretty. The only probing questions I can think of are..Why did I let "The Boy" talk me into Mickey D's for lunch. Those sensations are what happens when I eat fast food...EWWWW. I'll meditate while I'm in the john...thanks. I'll be empty alrighty..







Going inward to seek guidance about our life purpose can give us the insight and clarity we are looking for. Whether we believe in the concept of destiny or wish to exercise our right to choose our path, we can benefit from believing that our inner self has wisdom that we need. Trusting our instincts will often lead us to opportunities for fulfilling growth experiences. With consistent practice in trusting ourselves, we strengthen our connection to spirit. We also learn to rely on ourselves for guidance. This trust of self can be the well from which we drink so that we are strong enough to live the best life we possibly can. Consulting yourself today can give you the direction you need to make wise choices.

Peggy Sez:

I don't have time to go inward about purpose, insight and clarity. Can I just get the cliff notes version? Oh, I believe in the concept of destiny and the right to choose my path, but why are they always working on that part of the road ? Does the flagman look asleep to you? If I didn't trust me I'd never leave the house. And this guidance thing is highly overrated, I'm from the old school. Don't do nothing you don't want done to you. I have consulted with myself ( and danced too..Go Billy Idol) and I wisely chose to drink from the well of Grey Goose later today.. And I'll have me some more of that best life tomorrow too !

More Breaking News....

Another Toy Recall......



"The Boy" sez..OMGOSH That kid is going to get CHEESE GRATED.....!

And now for the news...

From Around The World And Into My Blog !!!

The Real News:

P. Selvakumar places a garland on Selvi, a former stray dog, during their wedding in Manamadurai, India, Nov. 11. Selvakumar said he thinks he was cursed for stoning two other dogs to death and wed Selvi in an atonement attempt

Peggy Sez:

Mr. Selvakumar spoke to reporters after the ceremony.
" I only pray this will lift the curse put upon me for my wrongdoing and I will treat Selvi as I would any wife"
"Ruh Row !" was Selvi's only comment









The Real News:

A house shaped like a toilet was built in Suwon, South Korea, to commemorate November's inaugural meeting of the World Toilet Association.

Peggy Sez:

The owner of the house was overheard bragging to astonished visitors.
" Yep, I spent me a butt-load of money on this place, the construction crew was johnny on the spot from day one to completion" He was flush with pride as he hinted at plans for a superbowl party next year.







The Real News:

Paramilitary policemen exercise on parallel bars during a training session at a military base in Baokang, China, Nov. 5.

Peggy Sez:

When asked why this type of training was necessary the head of the paramilitary policeforce replied,
" Cirque De Soleil will be in China next year this will help in crowd control..and I do love me some gymnasts"










The Real News:

Mark Friga holds his dog Olivia before the WKEY Pet Masquerade Contest in Key West, Fla., Oct. 24.


Peggy Sez:

After a reporters question, as to what character his costume portrayed. Marks shocked reply was.
"What Costume?

Suze Orman didn't .....

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00
for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out.

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Milk and Cookies,Chinese bakers and Pirates..

"The Boy" decided that today was a good day to play school. He thinks school is fun...It is at our house. We worked on his writing, his word list and then some math. Thanksgiving pictures were colored and hung on the fridge. Then it was lunch time. Pasta Salad..his favorite. After lunch it was play time and "The Boy" told me a story.



Once there was Chinese man who worked at a construction site. He liked his work but his favorite thing to do in the whole world was baking....cookies.


"Why cookies?" I asked. After giving me the evil eye he resumed his story.


One day a terrible MONSTER came and destroyed the construction site . All the cranes were knocked over and the equipment was ruined. The Chinese man was really angry and vowed revenge ("The Boy" plays a lot of RPG on the PS2).


" AH! revenge MUHAHAHAHAHA !?" I laughed manically..GRRRRRRRRR MOM!


ANYWAY!...The Chinese man had a plan, he would bake a bazillion cookies and trick the MONSTER into eating them, then he would call his pirate friends to help him defeat the monster who was now too full of cookies and couldn't move.


Just as they were about to finish him off the MONSTER begged for mercy.


" Please if I had some milk I KNOW I would never destroy a construction site again"


So the Chinese man gave the MONSTER all the milk he wanted and he and the Pirates and the Chinese man became goods friends forever. The Chinese man asked the MONSTER to help him clean up/repair the construction site and the MONSTER agreed.


" Right after I finish my cookies and milk"





MONSTERS...ya gotta love'em

Nothing today see you Monday......

Saturday

This has been my day..I know it's sad . But happy hour is close at hand and "The Boy" is at a sleep over......

Lets get all dolled up and go out..I'm good ..how about you? :P

Friday is critter day....

I've decided that Friday is critter day......

Due to the shocking drop in temperature in our neck of the woods...40 Degrees BRRRRRR...Samson, my male Mini-Pin, has packed his doggie bags and headed to the islands.

To keep his fans and the paparazzi from finding out where he is and keep a low profile, he will be traveling under an assumed name.

Yo,I hope Snoop Dogg ain't vacationing here too!..FO SHIZZLE!! ..Peace out y'all...

These are the new rules..Pay attention!

I don't remember where I found these but they still make me laugh each time I read them...I am easily entertained..








New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years -- because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -
mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect It to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water
is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be In the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security Crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light Ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
Entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
No, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something
was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn' t good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the upper class version of looting.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 Months."
"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do You want fries with that?"

On my mind.....

Some folks think todays cartoons are too violent,have no redeeming qualities and teach our children a multitude of bad habits. I guess a lot of them are and they don't and they do..but it's the advertisments ( aka.. Big Business Messing With Your Kids) between these little slices of kid heaven that worries me."The Boy" and I watch a wide variety of sugary cereal, fast food central, brand name toy infested shows..did I mention sugary cereal? During the course of a three hour megacartoon fest,I was incapacitated after gall bladder surgery at the time, I felt the need for Captain Crunch,My Little Pony, Happy Meals and ..HORRORS..to be made over by Barbie and The Bratz Pack.

The FCC is supposed to be cracking down on the violent content of kids shows and hopes to become the nanny of the airwaves. Can you say...The Fifties..girls and boys? But how about all this mass hypnotic, mind controling, America at it's finest commercialism? Didn't we hear some faint mumbles about a change in the way childrens advertising appears to children? Do I think any of this is going to change any time soon? No....we can't have a whole economic goldmine falter so close to Christmas! Do I think it's going to ruin our childrens lives? No....not if we as parents run the show. So long live the Broadcasters and their Sponsers! I'm AM the boss of me!



I realize I'm not saying anything you guys haven't already thought or said but it was on my mind this morning. Now if you will excuse me "The Boy" and I have to finish our Coco Puffs ( free Bee Movie spoon inside) and watch the rest of SpongeBob......

Homeschooling Part 1..The squeaky wheel

We've all had this happen,you go in the grocery store,grab a cart and start shopping.You notice,

right about the produce aisle, that one wheel is off kilter.It's gonna give you trouble,but you can deal with it.Then the subtle squeaking starts..not too bad ,just a wee bit irritating.You find yourself hurrying along trying to get done but the squeaking just gets louder.People are starting to stare.You smile and make excuses for ..A GROCERY CART...

Explaining my choice to homeschool to "The Masses" has been like that fateful trip to the store.It starts out with off kilter remarks.

" This is just for pre-school/kindergarten ..right?" And..

"Oh my! I have college educated friends who wouldn't attempt THAT" Then the subtle squeaking.

" How do you find the time? Are you going to test regularly? How do you know what to teach?"

And the ever popular..

"What grade is he in now? Are you "doing"school today?" But the squeak that seems to be the loudest and most irritating is the ..

"What about ..SOCIALIZATION?"

Many attempts to assure these "well meaning" folks that "The Boy" had no problems dealing with the general populace fell on deaf ears.I pointed out that we only kept him locked in the basement during a full moon.(Don't try this, some folks gave me funny looks).Having no luck trying to convince them that he was fine,healthy AND well adjusted I came up with this remedy...I just tell them my story..

"You know that cart at the grocery store..You know,the one with the squeaky wheel?....."

Really Bad Hair Day

I don't usually watch Oprah,but seeing as how Dr. Oz was on her show yesterday and he really wants us ALL to be young again I figured what the heck.I tried to get my son Tom ( hereafter known as "The Boy") settled down with his toys. This was so I could actually hear the show instead of reading lips.Well needless to say "The Boy" had other ideas.
" But MOM I want you to play with me!"
"Sweetie, Mom wants to watch this show about being healthy and feeling good again"
" Who is that lady ?'
"Thats Oprah Winfrey, this is her show"
"Who is that guy with her..Is that her boyfriend?"
" No honey thats Dr. Oz"
" Well I guess she doesn't have a boyfriend then"
"What makes you say that?"
" She has terrible hair"
" Tom! That's not a nice thing to say"
" Well I don't like her..she has terrible hair"
Some days "The Boy" is brutal in his honesty.
" Sweetie! You can't dislike people because of their hair, Mommy has horrible hair do you not like me?"
" Geez Mom I HAVE to like you ..you're my Mom!"
Sigh.......Sorry Oprah.